Helping a Spouse That Has Diabetes

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If you have been reading DavidMendosa's blog, “Suppose Your Husband Has Diabetes” andfound your way to my blog, thank you. David has much more experiencewith this than I have by about 17 years. He has been writing aboutdiabetes that much longer. I still enjoy learning from him, but Iwas surprised in our discussion that he has not some successes. Hemay have had some success and not realize this because the wivesasking for help did not continue the discussion.
I don't think either of us has a corneron this discussion and I do think I have been extremely fortunatelyto have had some success. Naturally, we can view situationsdifferently and this is to be expected. He views most things in apositive light, whereas I can go off on a tangent and totally make amess of things. This has taught me to read emails seeking help witha very jaundiced eye and I admit I often try to read between thelines. Most are looking for help, but what kind of help needs to bedetermined. Most of mine have been wives looking for help, but notexclusively.
As a result, my first reply is seekinginformation on which to base future replies. Some spouses do knowthe stage their spouse is at, but most often, they do not. UntilGretchen Becker wrote her blog on July 20, 2012 and I wrote mine onJuly 4, 2012, I would summarize the stages from Gretchen's book TheFirst Year - Type 2 Diabetes, New York, Marlow &Company, 312 pages. I have both the first and second edition,and I highly recommend reading it.
It is the first stage – shock, anger? Is it the second stage – most often denial? Is it depression? Iseldom ask about whether the spouse has accepted the diagnosisbecause if this were the case – most often the call for help wouldnot have been needed. I also ask the age – the younger, the morelikely a possible mis-diagnosis and I want them to be sure. Sometimes this leads to what tests were done and further discussion. One time this did pay off and the spouse did have LADA, not type 2diabetes.
How I proceed from here depends on whatI can read between the lines. Then I wait for a response. In mostcases, I do receive a reply that they are even more confused and Iknow thatthe task is even more difficult.
Some do reply denial and I have had afew say depression – from minor to serious. I immediately reply toanyone thinking serious and advise them to call the doctor and getthe doctor to see them as soon as possible and see if it is indeeddepression. One was and after treatment – the spouse was back tonormal self and took responsibility for his diabetes. Others were ina combination denial and minor depression and were able to recoverafter I explained that diabetes was “not their fault.” I doexplain a little about genetics playing a part and whether they mayhave triggered it early by their eating habits, they would havelikely developed diabetes later.
The spouses that are looking for truehelp will do what is necessary. I do make the suggestion that the wife encourage and challenge her husband to be the husband she knows he is andtake charge of his diabetes. I try to get them to be positive andtell their husband that they can live a long and happy life in spiteof diabetes and encourage him to come out if his shell and join her. Those spouses who know how to apply this are the most successful andresulted in two of the husbands actually replying to me and askingquestions. One other wife did tell me that this worked and her husband wastaking charge of his diabetes. She said he was reading about it, but she felt it could be some time before he would talk toothers about his diabetes. All of them put the ownership clearly onthe husband and encourage him by saying she knew he was capable, andthat she was there for support and as a resource if needed.
I have used this on occasion, but don'tlike to. One husband was asking for help and could not get his wifeto take ownership of her diabetes and I think he really tried fromwhat he was telling me. I suggested that he tell her he was makingsure that her life insurance was paid. He went further and addedthat because they could afford additional insurance, he was meetingwith the agent to get additional insurance under the guaranteedclause in the policy. In this case, it worked because she wasfinally convinced he was not going to manage her diabetes. This canbackfire badly, and is the reason I don't recommend using this.
In all situations, it is important tohave the spouse take ownership of their diabetes and the other spouseto give them positive encouragement and do this patiently. LikeDavid said, “nagging is not productive.” David coveredthe other points and I won't duplicate his work. If either of us hasgiven you ideas – great – make use of them.